The Way Of Love - Anthony de Mello

“If you wish to love you must learn to see again.”

The sentence could have come straight out of a Krishnamurti reader but that was not where I found it. I’ve been reading this book which Dwight gave me just before returning to Canada. It is called "The Way Of Love",  a collection of last meditations written by Anthony de Mello just before he died. You wouldn't expect a Jesuit priest to be quite as iconoclastic as Tony de Mello  (as his colleagues referred to him), is, yet the wisdom contained in  "The Way  Of Love" is like something straight out of  Tao or Zen or Sufi literature.And why shouldn’t it be! Innate human wisdom is not something which is copyrighted and which only a few select teachers or writers have a right to express.

What sets Anthony De Mello apart from most spiritual leaders is this. Most gurus, regardless of which religion or sect they owe their allegiance to, are not only blatantly full of themselves, but love to tell you how it is in life and what you should do. A lot of their “gyan” is nothing more than the imparting of rules and regulations, of do’s and don’ts which further enslave you. Anthony De Mello, incidentally best known for his inspiring compilation of folk wisdom and stories related to enlightenment, “The Prayer Of The Frog”,  has none of the regular do’s and don’ts to offer. At least in “The Way Of Love” there is not much to identify him as a Catholic priest. What he emphasizes throughout, is the importance of learning to “see.” It is the one thing we avoid in life, he says, preferring as we do, to live with our illusions and our attachments in spite of the fact that they cause us endless suffering.

Why is it so important to open our eyes and see? The logic is simple. When you open your eyes you see things the way they are. You see them in their place, so to speak. You see the place of love, in this whole phenomenon we call “life” and you realize that life without love is not only not worth much, it is inconceivable. It is akin to a flower which refuses to open out and bloom. At some level we all know this and whether or not we are aware of it, are in search of what we call “love”. But in the absence of awareness we are not even in a position to know what love is. We want desperately to be loved without ourselves being really capable of it. What we call love in hindsight turns out only to be greed, possessiveness and insecurity in disguise.

The reason we cannot love, De Mello says, is because we cannot and do not want “to see.” And of course, the “seeing” he refers to, is something which goes far beyond the physical or intellectual understanding we normally connect it with. Seeing in this context, has an immediacy to it and is necessarily untainted by our conditioning, by our prejudices and other concocted notions. Since most of us live within the cells of our own conditioning we are blind to actual reality.

We may think we love someone for example, but if we don’t see them as they are, how can we possibly love them, argues De Mello. Because most of the time, what you think you love, is nothing more than an image, a pretty picture you carry in your head about the person or thing you love. It is a sobering thought, he goes on to say, that the finest act of love you can perform, is not an act of service but an act of contemplation, of seeing. “When you serve people you help, support, comfort, alleviate pain. When you see them in their inner beauty and goodness you transform and create.” Not only does the act of seeing give birth to love, but it helps us to live in the moment – which is really the same thing.

Is this why, in spite of there being so many social workers in the world and so many institutions dedicated to helping mankind, real transformation seems out of reach? Because so many of us are doing “good work” to appease our conscience, to ensure a place in heaven when we die (or if you happen to be a Hindu and believe in reincarnation, to ensure that all goes well in the next lifetime). Or do the good deeds come out of the same greed and ambition which powers most people in the world of business or politics though in a different context? Or do we do what we do to take the edge off our boredom or anxiety, and not because we genuinely “see” what the right thing is, to do?

“Think of the terror that comes to a rich man when he sets out to really see the pitiful condition of the poor,” says De Mello, “to a power-hungry dictator when he really looks at the plight of the people he oppresses, to a fanatic, a bigot, when he really sees the falsehood of his convictions when they do not fit the facts.”

This terror, according to De Mello has to do with the destruction of the valued illusions and images which make up our world and on which our lives are based. “That is why the most painful act the human being can perform, the act that he dreads the most is the act of seeing.”

But it is in the very act of seeing that love is born, De Mello tells us, or to put it more accurately, “that act of seeing is Love.”

 

Uma

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

[bvn]

beautiful post!

nicely done :)

[suresh]

Hi
This is an apology, a coming to terms of Joshua (the angry avengeful guy) with Suresh..

I would like to inform you that I have been in psychotherapy under Uma for more than 4 years now. And I was invited to one of the Saturday sessions as a part of the therapy. My angry outburst that you were witness to here after that visit were just one of the symptoms that manifest now and then in the real world when I am in company of a group of people. It is some kind of a block which I need to overcome in my path towards the Transformation we all have been seeking at BasicIndia.

I am very much indebted to Uma for the poise and total understanding with which she has dealt with me, even in the face of my extreme outcry at BasicIndia blog. That in itself, and more, has held me from going insane or killing myself. I am fortunate to have such a mentor.

I apologize to you all for the comments I wrote here a few days ago, however honest I would have felt then.

Much later after the session, I could look back and see how I had fought against the feeling of tenderness that seemed to germinate from some nook within my heart when someone had broken down and wept... though I managed to crush my feelings with all the force of a brute... in my fear of opening up... feeling too vulnerable if I allowed myself to feel how I felt.

No offence,
Love
Suresh

[arasubalraj]

Hi

a nice write-up. I accept "seeing" really works at a personal level as you have to "see" at one point of time as you are connected with it. But do you think george bush or his lackeys will ever really "see" what the heinous crimes they have done in Iraq and do you believe a terror will occur to them? we can simply put it like, you only see what your eyes want to see. politically and socially, the class interests of a person defines his "seeing".It holds true for all social workers.

[bombaydosti]

Oh! Beautiful!
Am not able to say if it were your words or the concept itself. Very very true!! Seeing the other person, is the only true way to love :)
Glad to read this

[uma]

Arasubalraj, I agree with you that people like George Bush (and many others - like our own politicians) do not want to see anything. There's nothing you can do about it. But it doesn't mean I have to also be blind does it?

[arasubalraj]

Hi Uma, thanks for your comment in my blog and for responding to my comment.

//There's nothing you can do about it. But it doesn't mean I have to also be blind does it?//

i didn't said we have to be blind. if we really "see", then we won't get the feeling that we can't do anything about it. Palestinian and Iraqi children "see" what's heaped on them and they fight the massive tankers with stones. Nandigram people "see" who deceive them with lal jandaas and fight back. these ordinary people are not well-learned social workers but they fight because they "see". i repeat,class interests of a person defines his/her "seeing". the class interests of the so-called social workers are defined by their funding agencies and hence they are alienated from the people for whom they say they fight for. what we need is to go to the masses and "see" what they yearn for and need to work for them and not for any foundations. then, that journey of "seeing" will teach us that we have many things to do.

[uma]

Arasubalraj, true. Many things affect the way we see and also cloud our vision - class interests, caste, religion, culture etc. To see requires that we go beyond all that and do what is necessary at a given point of time. Is this what you mean?

[arasubalraj]

No, not at all. caste, religion, culture and all thoughts arise out of one's living socio-economic conditions, i.e.,class.we are bound by our class interests and to see beyond that, our class interests need to change and there can be no classless thought or person.

the class consciousness does not affect our vision.on the contrary,it helps to see what's the reality is and where do we stand. what i try to counter is the generalization of seeing- stretching it beyond personal level. even at a personal level, love affects much the people who can afford time and money.

[uma]

Somehow I think both of us are saying the same thing and in agreement but words seem to be getting in the way. So let me put it this way. At least I, agree with what you say, even if you feel you don't with me!

[Dwight]

Hallo Uma,

wie geht es dir? I had just returned from my German Class when I decided to re-read the article and the comments. Somehow I feel it is all very simple and words do get in the way. I also get the feeling that Arasubalraj is 'defending' a position and view. For me, seeing is being aware of myself in the world and for me seeing is observing my behaviour and not being judgemental. The reference to George Bush reminded me of one of the classic methods I use to 'hide' from myself and that is to finger-point and blame. Is 'finger-point' a word at all? Anyway, I am tired and just wanted to say that I greatly enjoyed reading the article. Und wie John Lenon gesagt hat ,,..you may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one, maybe some day you'll join us and the World will be as one''

much much love to all of you,

Dwight-Paul

[arasubalraj]

Hi uma
that's a cute reply.:-)
thanks.

[arasubalraj]

Thanks Dwight-Paul for opening my eyes that i am 'defending', judgemental, engaged in a blame game...uh..uh..
is referring to george bush and iraq war is a method to 'hide' from myself..??? mind-blowing. Anyway, me too tired..

[Dwight]

Arasubalraj, I was talking about myself.